*ENTRY UPLOADED EVERY OTHER SUNDAY*
“A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.”
― Thomas Mann, Essays of Three Decades
“THE DUALITY OF THE PSCHE”
ENTRY #1
Exploring the different angles in my mind has been the most exhilarating aspect that the universe has given me. My passions, insecurity, and vantage point of the cards that have been dealt to me are things that were set in stone by destiny. My thoughts and hunger for a deeper connection to the darkest parts of myself are ancient. My love for romance led me to watch Me, Myself, and Irene. Jim Carrey plays the main character, and in this film, his character is a chronic people pleaser whose bottom-up trauma results in his brain creating an altered personality that can cope with the hardships that he experienced. His wife cheated on him and had three kids with another man. His peers treated him like an imbecile for taking care of kids who weren’t his and being easily pushed around. I don’t believe that anything happens by coincidence, so coming across this movie in an era where I’m exploring and seeking to understand the psyche. Not just mine, but men and women who have interesting personality types. I’ve dug deep into the darkness that I carry and broken it down to understand the 5 W’s of it. The dark side of the main character is Hank, who has a hard-ass, narcissistic, and ruthless personality that gets him into trouble. Even in his darkest times, he remains resourceful and embodies the values he has upheld as a public servant for over a decade. I have an obsession with finding the significance of small details in everything. I believe that it’s the most important aspect when it comes to finding the beauty in life. In one scene, Hank decides to get plastic surgery to fix one of his insecurities as an apology for causing Charlie trouble. Highlighting that even though the two personalities differ on so many different levels, the thing that brings them together is their disdain for his chin. Even in my darkest times, I wanted to improve my insecurities as reassurance to both sides of myself. No one is above introspection and observing their dark sides, often shining a light on the ruthless parts of ourselves. Hank’s methods of showing Charlie that it is essential to stand up for yourself and your beliefs weren’t always the best, but he had good intentions. All humans suffer from the virus called perfectionism, which stems from traumas, but duality is the remedy. The need to be a perfect person can result in dividing your beautiful psyche, which could result in losing the facade that you cling to. Explore the dark side so it doesn’t control you.
“le luxe de l’amour”
ENTRY #2
Alexander McQueen once said, “Beauty can come from the strangest of places…It’s the ugly things that I notice more because other people tend to ignore the ugly things. (Goller)” This week, my love for romantic movies peaked, which led me to question whether love is an illusion or a luxury. I wanted to study the relationship between romantic movies and how they affect our self-concept. This week, I’ll be exploring this question on both my blog and Substack. I decided to binge-watch romantic films set in different eras to uncover the hidden mysteries of love.
The first movie was Entergalactic (“Watch Entergalactic”), an animated romantic drama that follows the emotional rollercoaster of Jabari and Meadow. Even though the couple’s attraction was instant, it was probably destined to happen. Unresolved issues from their past, along with ambitions, create a wedge in their connections. After watching this movie, I think true love is a luxury, and most people are sold illusions of it. The love shared between the two main characters is depicted with music and a spectrum of colors that embody the magnetism they share. Love like that has the power to heal and end wars.
My second film was Cane River (Cane River), which is set in the early 80s and gave insight into the dynamic of southern Creoles, the descendants of those who were owned by them, and a government that was seizing the lands of many African-Americans (80s loss of land). This gave a glimpse into how love could heal us from the transgressions committed centuries ago. The love that flourishes between the main characters, Peter Metoyer and Maria Mathis, exposes a side of love that requires you to surrender to the present and cancel out the noise from the crowd. I think relationships serve as mirrors that can either highlight our most beautiful parts or our insecurities. This conclusion led me back to my original question. Was love an illusion or a luxury?
My third film was 27 Dresses (“Watch 27 Dresses Streaming Online”), which gave a spotlight to the girls who were “ always bridesmaids but never the bride” and how marriage is the measurement of love for women. The main character, Jane Nicholas, has a closet filled with dresses from all 27 weddings that she has attended. Watching movies like this convinced me that love was an illusion that women bought into by marriage. Woman using marriage as the measurement of how much their partner loved me often left me perplexed because 7th-grade civics taught me about the power structure. The different branches, the laws, and the precautions set in place to prevent the abuse of power. Marriage sounded like an enforceable contract of free will on the person you claim to love. Since March of this year, the CDC has reported that over 2 million people have gotten married. On the other hand, over half a million people have filed for divorce (“FastStats – Marriage and Divorce”). My conclusion is that marriage requires respect and reciprocity, not love. The results of the observations I’ve made from romantic movies, married family members, and my relationships, sadly, love is never enough. We treat love like a sprint rather than the marathon that it is.
The next movie on my list was Sweet Home Alabama, which gave a different point of view on Southern love and reciprocity. The movie is centered around a southern girl named Melanie Smooter who left her hometown and ran off to New York in hopes of building a life for herself. The drama between the main character and her ex-husband shines a spotlight on the importance of respect and reciprocity. The lack of could result in losing the very thing you cherish.
One common theme among these romantic movies is that women and men have different definitions of respect and love. The difference in the definitions often leaves humans unfulfilled in their pursuits of love. Which results in love feeling like a luxury that we have to buy into instead of something that we become one with. I’ll be exploring more on my Substack.
“No mistakes, just design.”
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” A pearl of wisdom stated by Shakespeare (William Shakespeare) expresses three indispensable values. It reminds us to love one another, limit our trust to a few, and do no harm to others. This week, the idea of trust is put to the question. What is trust? Who can you trust? How important is trust? All reasonable questions, but not the most important question. One of my many convictions is that experiences and relationships in life are reflections. This presented the assumption that we betray parts of ourselves when we allow others to betray us. Betrayal has such a foul and negative connotation, but it often presents itself in fragments that contradict one’s morals. We betray our ideals for the sake of experience and relationships, in the hope of finding someone we can trust. The true essence of trust comes from within. Do you trust yourself? Naturally, most people would answer “yes”. I speculate that there are aspects of our lives that we might fail short of because we lack self-trust. Trust, defined as a verb, is to “believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of” (English | Oxford Languages). If the definition of trust were applied to our introspections, would the answer remain “yes”?
Shakespeare’s advice only speaks to how to utilize trust in our external circumstances. But assurance in oneself is crucial when deciding who to trust. Who can you trust with your secrets, vulnerable parts, and insecurities? Most would say family, friends, and close companions. As flawless as that assumption might be, those are the ones who betray you the most. We can pull examples of loved ones betraying one another from movies, shows, and real-life experiences. From Marvin Gaye’s father ending his life to Selena’s manager murdering her. A relatable experience is your parents sharing your moments with other family members without your consent. The suggestion that the ones closest to you should be trusted is faint. Trusting that you are making the best decisions about who to trust is half of the solution. You trust that the ones closest to you are honest about their confidence, self-assurance and are empathetic with you. The word “betrayal” derives from the Middle English word “bitrayen,” which means “misled.” (“Betrayal – Definition) So do those who betray one another allow themselves to be misled by their inadequacies and lack of confidence? Franz Kafka once said that “Man cannot live without a permanent trust in something indestructible in himself…that indestructible something as well as his trust in it may remain permanently concealed from him.” (“Franz Kafka”)
Kafka highlights how important imperishable trust in oneself has to be, even when the ego might interfere. Navigating through feelings of inadequacies without relinquishing the responsibility of development onto others is key to building self-trust. Holding yourself accountable for your mistakes and the growth that comes from them. The principles on whom to trust are not based on flesh and blood. But loyalty to one’s ethics and virtues. I’ll be exploring more on my Substack.
Works Cited
“Betrayal – Definition, Meaning & Synonyms.” Vocabulary.com, https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/betrayal. Accessed 22 June 2025.
“Franz Kafka.”
“Oxford Languages and Google – English | Oxford Languages.” Oxford Languages, https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/. Accessed 22 June 2025.
“William Shakespeare – Love all, trust a few, do wrong to…” Brainy Quote, https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/william_shakespeare_106076?src=t_trust. Accessed 21 June 2025.
” Hidden in plain sight”
I’m currently on an eremition. After years of having a skewed perception of what love is, reframing what is worthy of sacrifice and devotion is key. Reframing as a concept seems easy, but it feels like being a recovering addict or suffering from Stockholm syndrome. In pursuit of Nexalune, you’ll be faced with the reality that the very thing that you love can consume you in unimaginable ways. Having enough awareness that something or someone isn’t good for you is insufficient; it takes valor to release oneself from this form of self-inflicted harm. Relinquishing the responsibility of holding on, in the name of love, feels like the pressure being lifted. In Albert Camus’ “Notebook”, he says, “I wage war with myself and I will destroy myself, or I will be reborn, that is all.” (“Notebooks 1935-1942 by Albert Camus”) The wars that gave birth to the most astute versions of myself began in the name of love. Indulging in war to defend my unreserved love for my passions, partnerships, and purpose felt justified.
So, the topic of recognizing those around you who may be feeding their egos with your love or admiration infiltrated my algorithm. I could assume that it’s the byproduct of doomscrolling in the digital era, or maybe the powers that be were asking me to do an audit of my life. My dreams for the next week were vivid with the faces of those who knowingly and unknowingly betrayed me. I was a spectator in the rooms where the decisions and conversations were held about me. The war that I felt justified in fighting ceased, and my bonds no longer had value.
During my eremition, I realized that I was hidden in plain sight. In the sense that my value, love, and consideration were overlooked in the situations that I was in. Most of the time, those who took me for granted always come back with their tail between their leg in hopes that love will blind me from their transgressions or betrayals. Once you’ve overcome the wars internally and externally, you leave forgiveness to God. As a believer and academic, the idea of forgiving those who were intentionally malicious felt conflicting.
Psalm 7 says, “ He travaileth with iniquity, and hath conceived mischief, and brought forth falsehood…his mischief shall return upon his head, and his violent dealing shall come down upon his pate.” I found myself attached to this verse while dealing with my conflicting feelings when it came to forgiving others. When I was younger, my dad and I would drive on the Ave, and he would always give away his spare change to those less fortunate. He would always tell, “When you give to others, give with your whole heart, and what they do with it is not your business.” He taught me how to love and empathize with others. But my womanhood taught me that the situation that made me feel undervalued had little to do with me and everything to do with the people who could not self-govern themselves or were filled with envy. Part of me pities those who didn’t have the backbone to stand on their own, and the other half couldn’t muster a fuck to give. Roman wasn’t built in a day, and I’m not God. I’ve released the need to forgive people because I now consider their intentions instead of how much I might love them.
I’m extremely grateful that I was hidden in plain sight. Those situations heightened my pattern recognition, dissolved bonds with disingenuous people, and made room for better. Sometimes the only way to see the blessings in these transgressions is to find solitude.
“A view from the outside”
The view from the outside is so soothing. It wasn’t always like this; Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time hating how much the sun shone on me, the way the butterflies rested on my shoulder, and my solitude. As cliché as that might sound, it’s true. Being ostracized was a blessing and a curse. Instead of being sad or depressed, I focused on facilitating a space for isolation to elevate myself. Having a view from the outside is only a curse if your life is unfulfilling. Ostracization was a weapon used to belittle my true authenticity. The blessing came from realizing that isolation and the removal of those who used ostracism as a weapon were inevitable universal cycles. In my case, the situations that taught me this lesson came from my youth.
Albert Einstein once said, “The mind that is open to a new idea never returns to its original size.” My admiration for Einstein came from Richard Dawkins’ “ The God Delusion”. 16-year-old me was not prepared for the wisdom of both Einstein’s and Darwin’s perspectives on God. The times in my life when I was pushed to the side or “outside” of what the norm was, new ideas and hobbies manifested. After that, I was never the same person, thankfully. This realization brought a cloud of shame over me. How many times has God rejected my desires to protect me?
Now, my days are spent expressing my gratitude to God for removing me from the things that I would’ve willingly let consume me. Not just relationships or friendships, but the mindsets and habits that kept me in destructive cycles. That’s the beauty of being on the outside; the process of self-actualization is a solo journey. In my case, it was a journey I was thrown into without a guide. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t change the journey at all. The gold that I’ve harvested from my journey is invaluable and precious to me.
On this journey, fasting has been a very useful tool. Since my adolescence, I’ve always been a dreamer. I was born with a tired soul, so my dreams are my escape. During my fast, my dreams revealed to me that the keys were in my hands. I woke up again with that same cloud of shame over me, but it quickly turned into anger. I began to grow angry at those who benefited from my nativity, at the fact that I had the key the whole time. It felt like someone relishing in you begging for crumbs when you own a bakery. The only way through these emotions was to return inward. Acknowledging God in my life while asking for help processing these foreign emotions.
Recently, I’ve been studying the origin of many religions. From Taoism to Hinduism, common themes always present themselves. We all believe in a supreme God or a higher power, regardless of the ways we choose to express our gratitude. During my research, I began to study the native tribal religion of my land. I discovered the role that feminism and Voodoo played in the Haitian Revolution. A view from the outside granted an understanding of who and what I came from. This allowed me to shed my old skin and embrace all the aspects of my existence.
As I get older, I spend less time worrying about fitting in or outside validation. I don’t subscribe to any organized religion, but I believe in God. I believe that Jesus came to Earth to teach us how to live amongst one another. I distance myself from those who use religion as a means to objectify others while hiding their poor character behind their beliefs. I use history as a tool for understanding my place in the world. I don’t believe in comparisons, but I do believe in pattern recognition. The pattern of ostracization that occurs when you stand for something, and you won’t allow yourself to fall for anything. The story of Jesus Christ reflects the consequences that come from standing on what you know to be true and allowing time to reveal the truth.
On many different levels, the oppression and ostracization of sacred energy have been normalized. Reclaiming my power back from the moments that I was left out and the shame that came with it was the first step in healing. The Bible says that “ Man is corrupt”. I put my trust in God and never in man. God has commanded angels to protect and preserve me in all ways. At the end, I wouldn’t trade my view from the outside for a chair next to corruption.
“On the other side”
The time for reclaiming the narrative has arrived. Sometimes, silence is the proper response to hearing misinformation about my true character. Other times, reading someone their God-given rights is necessary. My older cousin once said something along the lines of ” A misinformed person is a dangerous person.” This became a fear of mine, which contributed to my need to know it all, be logical, and always have facts to back it up. Misinformation can lead to poor decision-making on multiple levels. For example, in the recent election cycle, a large majority of Hispanics voted Republican. This decision has had a damaging effect on their communities due to the lack of knowledge on how these policies would impact them. Most people feel the effects of misinformation on a different level, such as rumors or false accusations. The goal of spreading misinformation is to distort the truth.
We have two ears, two eyes, and two nostrils. I’ve been focusing on realizing when I’m hearing some shit, seeing some shit, or smelling some shit. My last courtship taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that no matter how well you think you know someone, you can never truly know them. Most importantly, anyone at any time given the opportunity will do anything to you. The majority of my previous courtships were with boys who presented themselves as charming, caring, and with a hint of chivalry. Once they feel like they’ve conquered you, the ” nice guy” mask falls. After all the gifts and endless compliments, they either become extremely aggressive or begin to deploy manipulation tactics. This experience isn’t new to women, but the lasting effects of these kinds of situations are often disregarded. The facts are that for every five women, at least 1 has experienced an attempted or completed rape. In a woman’s lifetime, 81% them experience harassment or assault. (“Sexual Assault Statistics”) When it comes to domestic violence, for every 4 women, at least one has experienced violence in their romantic relationship, and 35.6% of women have experienced violence or stalking by their romantic partners. The most disheartening of these statistics is that 77% of female victims are victimized by the same offender. (“Domestic Violence Statistics – The Hotline”) The psychological factors and statistics of these types of romantic dynamics made my sabbatical from courting worth it.
I’ve learned the best way to combat misinformation is to bring truth and facts to the forefront. I’ve observed that anytime a tactic is deployed to dim or control your light, it doesn’t work; boys often resort to smearing your name and spreading misinformation. It was the most distasteful part of courting, but it gave light to the kind of relationship I didn’t want. I don’t hold space for abusive men, their traumas, or mommy issues. Women experience trauma at a higher rate than men, but still find ways to continue to evolve. In the fall of last year, I listened to Princella Clark, “ The Game: 41 Shades of Men”. Clack talks about the different archetypes of men and the traumas that lead to their abusive ways. Society has placed the burden on women to be the ports for men to offload their traumas and problems.
Proverbs 18:20-24 highlights the importance of the reasons and how harmful spreading misinformation can be to you, others, and the effect of abusing the favor that comes with being in a connection to a woman. The Bible will always be a reference point whenever I need to analyze from a more spiritual perspective than a logical one. What I’ve been able to conclude is that Men feel the effects of their poor decision-making on a different astral plane. Comparing the paths of how women and men deal with either tough times or heartbreak shows the difference in the capacity of each gender. The point of internalizing and intellectualizing my past courtship or trauma was to find the meaning behind the chaos. I prefer not to reminisce about what I thought love was, but the past serves as a reminder of what love is not.
During my intellectualizing phase, I concluded that most perpetrators hope that the trauma they inflict hinders you from ever finding joy, happiness, or love. My final act of rebellion against these tactics is to continue to overflow with love, genuine kindness, and find equally yoked partners. I believe that life is happening for you, not to you. I’m grateful for my experiences and the lessons that came from my courtships. These lessons are the reasons I’ve been able to attract dynamics that are safe, loving, supportive, kind, and understanding of my value. I’ve attracted partners who aren’t intimidated by my intensity, gently guide me, and respect my boundaries.
I’ve never questioned myself when it came to settling into my partnership. I’m not susceptible to the slut-shaming that comes from refusing to settle for manure wrapped in gold served on a silver platter. I experienced committed relationships very early on in my life. Commitment doesn’t always equate to happiness, regardless of the ring or title that’s attached to it. Since then, I’ve curated a list of commandments that I’ve vowed to stick to. I’ve reclaimed what love means to me, the type of love I want, and the love I’ll accept.
The effects of misinformation can be hurtful, but necessary. I’m glad the ones who fell for the misinformation picked their side, which spared me from creating trivial long-term connections. The beauty of making it to the other side is being able to share and create space better. “ You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you,” says Vice President Kamala Harris (“Coconut Tree” #). As cliché as this might be, several women who came before this generation were slaves to societal and cultural norms; Unfortunately, the only remedy is rebellion. Unsubscribe from the things that don’t bring you true happiness, regardless of what anyone has to say.
Recently, I came across an injured moth. It was stuck in between the crack of the door and was unable to move. I gently grabbed it and observed its wings and legs to ensure that it could fly away. After all my examinations, the moth was fine. It stayed there the whole night, unable to fly away. Not because it was truly injured, I presume that it was traumatized by being stuck in the door and multiple people stepping on it.
Recognizing just how fragile nature is mirrors back to me how fragile we as humans are. I’ll refrain from adding in the statistics of men who committed crimes against their partners based on their “emotions”. The act of being a woman is both liberating and treacherous. We as a society must shed light on the parts of ourselves that are fragile, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or religious background. At the end of the day, we are all humans who share the same struggle in different forms. We have to create spaces to address these issues, so we can prevent these unpleasant behaviors from continuing. When you’re sure of yourself and make the conscious decision to address your problems, you become less susceptible to misinformation or manipulation of any kind.
“The Shameless Slut”
Continuing the theme of reclaiming the narrative. Recently, I’ve been reframing what being a muse means to me. In the pursuit to enhance the essence of being a muse, highlighting the significance of certain virtues was one of my main focuses. I’ve found that the most indispensable virtue is accountability. Holding yourself accountable for the decisions made, even if you didn’t know better, and examining the shortcomings, flaws, and mental processes that led to those decisions. Becoming aware of when my ego and my intensity are seizing control, and I need introspection. Many have the axiom that people who are considered attractive have a skewed perception of what the “real world” is. In retrospect, when you’re attractive, you’re able to see people’s most animalistic sides. If I had a dollar for every time a man told me his partner’s darkest secret in hopes that I might want to explore him, I’d be rich.
On the other hand, women often befriend other attractive women whom they perceive as a threat to keep them close, while never truly offering genuine friendship. The ego presents itself differently in men and women, but its only objective is to help us reconcile with our insecurity. The personification of being a muse isn’t about the superficiality of our society, such as clothing or status. It is solely based on good character and virtue. Aristotle believed that the only way for someone to be virtuous was through adversity; that’s why he rejected the idea that children could be virtuous. In my opinion, only half of that is true. With all the modern-day adversity that children face, many children might be more virtuous than their elders. Aristotle’s perception of how chaos can shape you is equivalent to understanding that you are both the marble and the sculptor. Ironically, this humanized what it means to become a muse. Oftentimes, others see the beauty of the marble that you’ve become, but they would rather neglect the idea that you work hard, and try to compare or attribute it to superficial things.
Staying true to my very literal persona. Accountability is defined as a liability to be called on to render an account or the obligation to bear the consequences for failure to perform as expected. My self-assurance may feel like an insult to some, especially when they realize that my harshest critic is myself. Some people are under the assumption that beauty relinquishes the ability to hold oneself accountable, so they make it their life’s mission to hold everyone “accountable”. Not because you’ve actually committed a transgression, but because of their inability to inconvenience or control you. Humans have a problem with understanding that the control and power they presume they have over others is an illusion. An illusion that shatters the moment their scheme and plotting backfire. I’ve discussed rejection and betrayal, but the most recent news in the media cycle gave me another viewpoint on this. Yes, Thug and Gunna. Hearing the nefarious and spiteful laughs of a man deliberately scheming against his closest confidant due to his inability to control him, or in other words, Gunna’s inability to perform as Thug expected. When Gunna was released, I read his court documents, so I knew he was innocent from the beginning. But to watch how Thug smeared his reputation, name, and turned his associates against him was deplorable. The cost of being a muse is mastering cognitive processes that help with discerning when an obligation is yours to bear; Unfortunately, manipulators are at a disadvantage because of their inability to understand the foresight behind their actions.
The ego sometimes feels like an unruly kid. Addressing your ego in moments where you might have to bear obligations that aren’t yours while deceivers run rampant is arduous. I believe that men use tools like money to let their true animalistic selves out, while women focus on being liked or being the center of attention. That’s why the worst guy you’ve ever met will commit crimes to satisfy his need for material possessions or to indulge in multiple women. Ego can appear in women by being male-centered or extremely envious towards other women who get more attention effortlessly. Looking back, there have been endless times where a “friend” has done or said something to gauge more attention than me. I’ve always been able to pick my choice of the litter since before I could properly write my name; the male gaze isn’t foreign to me. Like Aristotle said, only through these types of adversity can you truly become virtuous. Personally, I had to come to terms with how my ego shows up when I experience rejection. I’ll admit that I’m hardly ever upset about the people that “reject” me, but rather the act vexes me. How dare you not see how amazing I am? I realized that I was overpowered by my need to be a perfectionist in all aspects, even at the cost of being liked by people who are insignificant to me. As a muse, you’re not granted the luxury of having an unruly ego. You’ll find yourself a casualty of instability if you don’t control your ego.
Facing my ego is a constant act of knowing how to balance my intensity. First, admitting how intense I can be in my interpersonal relationships. In past romantic relationships, when I was emotionally invested, I wanted to literally merge souls, but if I started to feel inconsistent in your actions and words, I’d detach immediately and move on. This is the same for my platonic relationships, minus wanting to merge souls. I can admit that I don’t love unconditionally. I’ll only unleash my intense love and support for people who can reciprocate and are genuine about the basis of the relationship. One thing that Thug did that stuck out to me was how he kept reiterating the sacrifices he made and how present he was through Gunna’s journey. I realize that most people weaponize their support in hopes of having you so emotionally devoted that you’ll abandon yourself for them. I’m not humiliated to admit how committed and intense I can be with the ones I love, but I don’t love them more than I love myself. I don’t care what category of an agent of socialization that falls under in my life, I’ll love them on the conditions that I’ve set to maintain my peace, and that only thing I love more than my peace is God. The concept of being a muse requires control over your ego and discipline over your intensity.
It’s also important that we highlight the slur people like to attach to muses. It is comedic how they’ll first belittle you, then try to replicate later. I’ll refrain from elaborating on that aspect of human behavior, but I’ll focus more on how these slurs are often projections or an admission of guilt for how they’ve transgressed against you behind closed doors. My first time being called a slut was by a male harlot who was actively trying to talk to my “friends” while pursuing me. When a girl called me a “slut”, she posed as a friend but tried to get with my boyfriend behind my back. Thug went around calling Gunna a “rat” while filling in for Wendy Williams all behind a jail cell. I’m unfazed by these types of slurs because I’m aware of my given name, and I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done. Why would I answer to a name that isn’t mine? I had to learn to be okay with those who patronize me because they’re really just admirers who haven’t dealt with their insecurity. Unfortunately, I wasn’t created to carry the burden of someone else’s inadequacies or to be their subject to torment due to their lack of self-love.
As a muse, you live in the intersection of numerous things. Epicurus says, “ Whatever principles are set before you, stand fast by these laws, feeling that it would be impiety for you to transgress them. But pay no attention to what somebody says about you, for this at length, not under your control”. Regardless of the adversity that you face, you must have laws in place to maintain discipline and control over yourself. Laws that even when the chaos outside of you is uncontrollable, you can’t override them for comfort. I hope that the thing that makes me a muse isn’t my beauty or the things that might be attached to me. But the fact that I dare to share the accumulation of the lessons I’ve learned through falling short of my duties as a muse. This shifted the significance of my purpose and self-concept. A shift that resulted in rituals and routines that keep me in alignment. Ritual has such a negative connotation, but it has to do with the things that keep us grounded. Like waking and baking with a nice cup of hot tea, or maintaining a self-care schedule. A part of our human design is to appreciate beautiful things even if that appreciation comes in the form of slander. You can only pay attention to the things you can control, release old ways, and partners that don’t benefit you. Allow yourself to be shamelessly yourself.
Is it my turn?
Bet you’re wondering what I’ll be discussing this week. I’m ready to admit the truth. Yes, I’m a villain. I’m charming, self-interested, and a bit egotistical at times. But I’m far from a reprobate villain; I’m indifferent to my opposition. This confession wasn’t hard for me because I’ve come to terms with the empathic narcissism that saved my life. I believe in self-preservation with no harm to anyone. I’m uninterested in hierarchies, unspoken social rules, or manipulative tactics. I led with empathy, but I’m not oblivious to the ruthless world around me. Simpleton often mistake empathy for a weakness they can exploit. Villains like Dexter and Mardara are highly revered in my book because of their duality. As I dive deeper into sociology and human behavior, I’ve uncovered that the main emotion that propels every villain’s ventures is grief. The inability to properly process grief and transmute vengeance is a key motivator in most villains’ rageful undertakings.
One of my favorite Frank Kafka quotes says, “I was ashamed of myself when I realized that life was a costume party and I attended with my real face.” Kafka’s work has a way of leaving me ruminating for days on end. Most people don’t dare to attend life’s parties with their real faces, the same way that some people can’t help but move in cohorts with others. I used to reject the premise that I was a villain, but not anymore. On multiple occasions, I played the native role so well with people who tried to manipulate me that they painted me out to be the villain. My self-assurance and confidence won’t allow me to step on someone else’s neck for an extra ego boost. Having the label of the villain placed on me wrongfully brought a level of vibrancy into my life that relinquished my desire to be understood by others. Individuality, authenticity, and empathy are expensive attributes that money can’t buy. This realization is the reason I’ve remained indifferent.
Mardra Uchiha is by far one of the best villains in Naturo. Those born in the midst of warfare, grief, and bitterness were destined to be impacted by them. It’s undeniable that with wars comes casualty, but the loss of a loved one is difficult regardless of the circumstances. The loss of Mardra’s brother made him hostile and cynical. He truly believed that conflict and death were the only way to achieve true peace. Personally, his story is admirable because while everyone thought he was dead and gone, he disappeared to plot his retaliation. My first encounter with tragedy was my father’s funeral, more specifically, after the burial. I remember the smell of pity mixed with Haitian food, the words of encouragement, and the numerous small pieces of paper with contact information from strangers. Grief is kinda like black mold, silent but deadly. It has the power to radicalize your life in an unseen way. In the “Gift of Grief”, Tanner discusses how grief offers opportunities to help establish or reestablish values and goals. In Marda’s case, his grief led him on a ruthless path to avenge the loss of his siblings. After years of compartmentalizing my grief, finally addressing the loss of my father brought me back to the goals and promises we made.
Previously, I discussed the effects of misinformation, which can result in ostracization. Along with the damaging slurs that are attached to you once you go from Muse to Villain. A transition where you’re forced to grieve the connection and that specific version of yourself. The role of the Villain is comfortable for me because I don’t fear the darkness, not in me or around me. Grieve taught me that no matter how much you might try to avoid it, you must walk its path, or else it will wait patiently on your return. I’ll be elaborating more on this next week.